Reflections of a Fertility Practitioner
*TRIGGER WARNING- DISCUSSION ON MISCARRIAGE
This post has been challenging to write. I've picked it and put it down many times as I tried to formulate what I wanted to say.
I, too, am human. Like anyone else, which means I also have vulnerabilities.
The former Banker in me sometimes finds it challenging to reflect on my interactions with my fertility patients. Coming from the Corporate world, where one is so conditioned to think about successes and failures, that behaviour has been difficult to lose sometimes.
So often, we use only our positive results and the many success stories we have and share to justify our perception as good practitioners. There are many highs when treating fertility, and, equally, there are as many lows. I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to support my patients as I do and in whatever journey they have. I am so grateful that I have been able to be there for them.
I am also very aware of the very privileged conversations I have with all of my fertility and gynaecology patients. Their numerous struggles along the journey have brought them to me and the hopes and dreams they place in me to help reach that goal of parenthood.
- The relationships which have been placed under immense strain when, month after month, a period arrives while trying to conceive for so long.
- The sex that becomes robotic and clinical timed around the sacred 'fertility window'.
- The relationships that have broken down when one person has decided that they can't do it anymore or feels that they are being pressured into parenthood to please their partner.
- The challenging IVF cycles with symptoms of nausea, hot flushes, low moods, cramping, and to add to that, the worries about whether this cycle will be the one that will result in success.
- The fears and anxieties then continue throughout pregnancy until the first scan and pregnancy are fully established.
Culturally, I am also aware of many unspoken expectations within South Asian communities. The expectation is to be the 'perfect daughter' who studies hard, marries well, raises the perfect family, and achieves all the goals of being the ideal daughter-in-law, wife, and mother.
Of course, it takes two, and so when there is also the pressure to be the perfect son/partner/husband and to hit all those milestones expected to be the doctor/engineer/dentist/banker and be the successful couple hitting the ground running right from the start.
From a (very simplified) Chinese Medicine perspective, fertility is based on having good uterine energy flow. When striving to be everything to everyone, it is no wonder that the energy flow becomes depleted.
Sadly, this isn't limited to the South Asian community, and I am acutely aware of the many challenges all my patients face whilst juggling demanding careers with the ticking of a biological clock.
Chinese Medicine is an individualised treatment plan, and while I often see familiar patterns and themes, each of my patients receives individualised treatment plans based on their presenting pulse and tongue picture.
In my office, I have countless thank you cards with photos of babies that I have helped to be conceived, treating their parents to help with the patterns of imbalances. Being there throughout the pregnancy to assist and relieve morning sickness, nausea, anxiety, and musculoskeletal issues throughout and then the birth prep.
I often have several patients due at similar times, and earlier last year, in all the updated photos I had, I had a moment of immense sadness thinking about the little baby that would have been a year old now.
He survived for ten days after my patient went into early labour at seven months, but his lungs were too underdeveloped, and he didn't make it. I guess what made this one so much harder were the many previous miscarriages beforehand, the failed IVF cycles, the donor egg cycles that didn't work and then, finally, the positive pregnancy test. I have never willed my patients more to be parents than these.
It felt like it had been cruelly taken away from them. I struggled with this for a long time, and many times, I wept while looking at the various thank you cards and also again while writing this.
She recently got in touch again to help start a new donor egg cycle. It had been some time since we had spoken, and I was taken aback when she said, "Jas, you helped me get to the closest I have ever been to being a mother, and for that, I am truly grateful to you and your support."
This was incredibly hard for me to deal with as I kept focussing on the fact that I wasn't able to support her during those crucial months when she was struggling. I finally took my feelings and thoughts to my own supervision session and discussed this privately. I left that day knowing that I really had done everything I could and that I had taken her to the nearest she had ever been to being a mother and knowing realising that meant I could leave my feelings in the past and focus on her current needs and my ability to prepare her for her upcoming transfer.
With all of this, I also have reflected on why I treat fertility given all the emotional roller-coasteering that is happening.
It is because of those same thank you cards that I feel the joy of being in such a privileged position to be able to cuddle a new baby and say how much I have been looking forward to meeting them, knowing that I was able to pull all the pieces of the puzzle together.
I was also reminded of the need to take care of myself.
By specialising in the challenging area of Women's Health and transitioning through The Second Spring (Perimenopause phase!), my own cycle is irregular, and energy levels fluctuate. Therefore, putting on my 'oxygen mask first' is essential to being the effective practitioner my patients come to me for.
Planning a sense of work/life balance—taking time out for myself, scheduling my care appointments, downtime with my beautiful friends, and regular time away from my responsibilities—are all things I discuss with my patients but occasionally forget or postpone when my life becomes busier.
This renewed awareness has given me much more balance in my life, and I have been doing the above much more regularly.
I schedule time outside of the clinic, make sure I see my different groups of friends for downtime, go to the places I love to be in, breathe, and meditate. I meet with my fellow fertility specialist colleagues to discuss challenging cases and ensure I have time for research reading. I have booked courses to ensure my knowledge is fresh and current.
The proof of this? Five positive pregnancy tests over a two-week timeframe.
- Patients with secondary infertility, endometriosis, PCOS and other complicated medical conditions.
By specialising in the challenging area of Women's Health and transitioning through The Second Spring (Perimenopause phase!), my own cycle is irregular, and energy levels fluctuate. Therefore, putting on my 'oxygen mask first' is essential to being the effective practitioner my patients come to me for.
Planning a sense of work/life balance—taking time out for myself, scheduling my care appointments, downtime with my beautiful friends, and regular time away from my responsibilities—are all things I discuss with my patients but occasionally forget or postpone when my life becomes busier.
This renewed awareness has given me much more balance in my life, and I have been doing the above much more regularly.
I schedule time outside of the clinic, make sure I see my different groups of friends for downtime, go to the places I love to be in, breathe, and meditate. I meet with my fellow fertility specialist colleagues to discuss challenging cases and ensure I have time for research reading. I have booked courses to ensure my knowledge is fresh and current.
The proof of this? Five positive pregnancy tests over a two-week timeframe.
- Patients with secondary infertility, endometriosis, PCOS and other complicated medical conditions.
While it is early days with them all, I am grateful that I have been able to assist these wonderful patients in advancing their journeys towards parenthood.
There may be ups and downs, but I am fortunate to know that I have a village around me, both personal and professional, that is there for me.
If you would like to discuss how acupuncture can help you with fertility, please do get in contact either by emailing